Have you ever seen the meme that says, “I wish I was as thin as I was back when I thought I was fat.” and ￼the one that also says, “When I was thin I thought I was fat. Now that I am fat I know I was thin. But now it’s too late.”
Recently I was looking through some pictures and I had those exact thoughts!
It’s so easy to get disgusted and frustrated when you stop and you think how you felt about yourself during those times!
Back then, I beat myself up so bad thinking that I was huge!
It’s so easy to fall into bad thinking patterns!
Now I’ve battled my weight my whole life! ￼
My weight gain started when I was a young child after my dad had left.
I can reason that I replaced my dad with food but also it’s just genetics. In our family we have a history of hypothyroidism which also makes it really hard to lose weight!
When I was 12, I became an anorexic.
I struggled with that for a period of about two years. I guess, I should say, actively struggled with it for two years- meaning I looked like I was anorexic and lost my period. I was severely underweight but not to the point of being hospitalized.
I eventually came out of it. I probably should have gone through counseling for it, but that really wasn’t a thing at that time and I really think most of the doctors I dealt with really had no idea what to do with me! I feel like this is why disordered eating has followed me all of my life.
I have seemed to bounce between severely restricting myself and over eating. It’s a very ugly cycle.￼
I went through many years of restricting and way under eating, then finally my thyroid went kaput!
And then perimenopause happened!
It’s an ugly storm!
I have gained weight that I find very embarrassing.
The crazy thing is that in the last several years I have eaten healthier than I have in a long time but again, I tend to under eat for the amount of activity that I do. And that can also damage your metabolism as well!
Yeehaw￼!! What fun-not!
Back to Today-
I’ve done a lot of work mentally! I’ve come to a place where I really have started to appreciate and accept myself for who I am!
Some of what I appreciate about myself are:
*I know I am pretty physically strong!
*I am extremely healthy – minus the thyroid disfunction! I eat healthy, and exercise.
*I know that I’m doing the right things!
I could let pictures like that totally set me back! And at the height of my anorexia it would have!
But I’ve come to the place where I can objectively look at those pictures and say I’m OK where I’m at right now!
And it’s OK to be OK with who I am right now!
That doesn’t mean I give myself permission to go hog￼￼wild eating junk.
But it gives me permission to be the person that I am right now!
It gives me permission to enjoy exercise and not try to kill myself exercising just to fit in a certain size. ￼
It gives me permission to eat the right amounts of healthy food and to not starve myself with such tiny amounts of food like I have in the past several years when I’ve been in the middle of under eating! Which is just another form of an eating disorder!￼
I am at a good place, but I have had to fight to get here! Just like my prior blog post about negative voices( https://amyskaggs.com/2019/10/09/im-getting-real-here-a-vulnerable-post/) it is really hard to not listen to those and to let yourself get down!￼
It’s Ok to Not Be In Control-
This is probably one of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn. I’ve learned it with my weight and with my boys.
It’s ok to not be in control.
One big thing with anorexia is most of the time it is not a weight thing that causes it.
Anorexia often happens because you can’t control what is going on in your life. But, what you eat and how you exercise is something that you can control! You are often praised for having that control and that just spurs the fire!
When I started to gain weight because my thyroid was out of whack and when peri-menopause started as well as damaging my metabolism by undereating- I really felt out of control!
Again, a lot of mental work has gone on here!
I have had to do a lot of prayer and a lot of scripture reading to realize that ultimately God is in control and I am not!
Just like Psalm 139 says, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”. ￼God did not make a mistake when He made me!(Whew did I really just write that? That’s a HUGE step!)
What I really have to learn during this time is-what would God have me to do? What lesson does God have for me during this time?
This is where growth will happen!
I am still working on it! And probably will until the day I die!
Today I stuck those pictures I found in my planner. Not as a reminder of what I should be, but as a reminder of the lessons I’ve learned in the past few years￼.
My prayer is that if you struggle with eating disorders or not accepting yourself for who you are and constantly looking back at what was-that you will let it go, accept yourself for who you are right now and realize what a wonderful gift you are!￼
I know this was a deep post and kind of serious but I hope that it touches someone that is struggling with feeling like they’re not enough or that they should be something that they can’t be!
What about you?
Are you struggling with your body image or your weight?
Are you beating yourself up over things that you can’t control at this time, especially if you’re doing everything that you should be doing?
Feel free to comment! I love to hear from you all!￼￼